Grim

Was looking through my last post, and I realise that I shouldn't have really slagged off Pedro or Natalie. They are both really nice, and me and Pedro spend some of the evening leafing through Attitude and bitching/swooning over the men in the mag, and me and Natalie spoke for a while about stuff before I went to my room. Pedro also showed me a bloke on a website that's sort of "pinged" him as being cute, and the bloke's cute(ish) too. I said he's probably an axe-murdering psycopath or something.

I'm sick of not having a good time (probably as much as you lot are sick of reading about it, but hey, it's my blog!) not going out and meeting loads of people. I think I'm a friendly guy, but I have no self-confidence whatsoever, not even when speaking English. I always think someone is going to just go "HAH!" in my face if I start to talk to them. Plus, I'm not the most exciting person in the world, so I'd have little to talk about. Ohhhh it's a pickle of a conundrum...

I just wish I could just "make" friends with people. Everyone else who is on their placement abroad seems to be able to do it, but not me, noooo, I can't do that. I seem to make friends in environments such as work, or living with people, as I'm doing now. Thing is, if people here aren't going out and and doing things much, it'll be a bit of a bummer. It's a pain really, as as from Friday, I'll be in the UK for the wedding, then Mark's back here with me, then I'm back over in UK at Easter, and then I'm back in Portugal for the last week in April. All this means that I'll be unable to forge any friendships with anyone or anything like that.

I find it hard to make friends, and being in a foreign land doesn't help. I really don't know how to go about doing it, and I usually make friends with people who talk to tme first, like Carmen did. I just don't have the confidence to talk to people, no matter how nice they seem. I always feel inferior and, basically, stupid. I don't know where to go to meet people, what to do, or anything like that. I'm so grim! God, I'm so sorry everyone, but I have to say it here, it's a good outlet, and blogspot doesn't chatback and try and make me feel better about myself.

Eventhough I want to go back home for some reasons, some other reasons mean that I don't want to come back home. Sometimes, I feel like such a failure with it all. I mean, everyone else makes mates easily, have a laugh, do things, go out places, etc. and I just don't! Grrrr. It's a rollercoaster ride of emotions tonight folks.

I definately think that it hasn't helped that Rui and Pedro were ill for two weeks, so I've not got to know them as well as I would have liked, but I think that they will be happy to come out with me, but like Rui said, he doesn't go out much, as he saves his money so he can go out big style, and Pedro is tee-total, which could be a bad combination with my drunkeness (if we ever get that far) :-/

Well, I've felt sorry enough for myself for long enough now, so I best be off really. Bet I can't sleep tonight. FOR GOD'S SAKE! This is well stressing me out and upsetting me now....

Ben